I had never seen a dental dam. Or a female condom. So when I “accidentally” tripped over these special items, a blog post was born.

Seriously, have you seen these things? A regular condom has it’s on version of scary, ribbed, studded, dry, lubed, extra large, everything you could want in a rubber is available.

Not so in a female condom.

First, there’s the size -

Regular condom

Female condom

And then there’s the whole coordinating a couple of rings, one of which is free floating and is supposed to somehow go inside?

The part my hand is holding is the outside. The part down at the bottom is the part that goes inside your cootch, with it’s weird little floater ring that I haven’t quite figured out hooooooow it’s supposed to go in and stay. Mind you, I haven’t tried this, I’m just looking at it funny.

Then there’s the instructions. Oh My God.

Yes, I know you can’t read it. But do you really need to with pictures like that?

Just as an FYI, female condoms come with more then your normal amount of lube. I’m talking 1950’s greaser here people, these puppies drip! Not on the outside where you would assume they would have the lube for the womens comfort, no no no no no. The lube is on the inside for the MAN’s comfort. WTF? This is what you came up with when you invented a womans condom, and yet, you’re still more concerned with the mans comfort?

Onto the dental dams. These things feel like rubber gloves. Not nice, thin, cellophany like one would hope for where there’s a whole lotta lickin’ going on, but like rubber ER Dr. gloves. They’re also very stretchy and rubbery, and great for creating impromptu slingshots to hurl small candies across a room.

Such an innocuous looking thing isn’t it?

And then, again, you read the instructions.

OK, so there’s a little more to it, word wise, but who needs words when a picture has a million of them?

Of course, you can do really cool things with them cause they streeeetch……………and you can do so many interesting things with them. Like pretend to be some kind of a deformed ghost.

Or do the freaky cool rubber dude mask.

Seriously people, STD’s are no fun at all, which is why they invented these bizarre rubber traps they encourage us to wear. Even in fun, something nasty can come out of the tasty so please wear your rubber in what ever way makes you happy. Whether it’s a female condom, regular condom, or eating out a dental dam, have some respect for your body and always wear  it unless you know for 100%, saw their test results for sure, they are clean, clean, clean. And always remember rubber dolly says

“If you go into heat, package your meat”

And always read the directions, because a condom put on incorrectly isn’t going to protect anyone.

I came this close (fingers an inch apart) to deleting this blog! But as I was going through it, I realized how much I truly love writing about sex, and found I couldn’t let go of it.

Things are going to change a little bit tho’. I’m not just going to sit here and talk about sex and toys, and fantasies. Instead, I’m going to try to use this as both a sex blog, and a way to review books, movies, toys, in the interest of pointing others into the direction of having fun.

I’m not talking pornos when I talk about movies . I’m talking the educational kind, the kind you watch to learn more, but not the kind your grandma would approve of. And maybe a sex show, or 4. I’m also talking about being able to have a safe place to come and ask questions if someone is curious about something.

Yeah, I know, there’s tons of blogs out there about this kind of thing, and who knows if anyone will ever really come and visit. But. It will be good for me to have a place to come in and talk about the non-stop stream of gutterville that runs through my brain and if it helps someone out, then yeah, if it provides entertainment and humor with a little splash of knowledge, even better.

Besides, after reading comments from several people, I realized I was doing a very bad thing to just get rid of it. So give it a day or two, and something (hopefully) fascinating will be up.

I had really good sex last night, so my brain is a little rattled this morning. So are my teeth for that matter. There is just something about a really good round of sex that sets you back on your butt, and makes you go “AAAHHHHHH!” And when it’s with a partner who goes out of his way to make sure you have every enjoyment you can possibly have, then the earth really tends to roll.

So I didn’t actually get on here today to blog about my great sex life . It’s just very high up there on my happy list at the moment.

What I did get on to blog about was the amusing sex shows I’ve been watching lately. We originally had Cinemax, otherwise known as Skinmax for it’s soft core late night movies. By soft core, I mean they show boobs, fast flashes of cootch without much to see, and scenes of them making love with lots of moaning and groaning. The regular movie selection was OK, but not much to speak of, and since I would rather watch good movies, I finally got around to switching to HBO instead. The funny thing was as soon as we did, the first show we watched was Cathouse. I was rolling with laughter over the irony, but as I watched it, I was amazed to discover how much I was throughly enjoying it. That first episode was showing one of the prostitutes doing a sex ed class for older women who weren’t as comfortable with their sexuality. Break out the plastic pussies, and let’s get a lesson on how one masturbates! How to use a dildo, how to use a vibrator, how to discover what it is that you like. For someone who’s pretty open about sex, and knowing what I like, I think I may have learned a couple of things.

I definitely learned a new position when one of the prostitutes started flipping herself around to show the other ones some new things they could do to make the guests happy. Yes, we tried it LOL. Lay on your back and flip your legs all the way over your head. We’ve tried variations of the theme, but not all the way over like that. Puts the G-spot in a much more accessible bump and grind position, and boy-howdy was that fun!

A couple other shows I’ve discovered: Real Sex and Pornucopia. I can’t find a link to Real Sex, but through them, I discovered a kick-ass circus called Bindlestiff Family Cirkus. I seriously want to go see! You can see some of their acts here, here, and here. A combination circus, variety show, burlesque, gender-bending, nude tight rope walking, risque piece of art has never happened before. I wish I could actually post parts of what I saw, but I haven’t figured out how to get it off of my DVR yet. My mouth was hanging open in between bursts of hilarity, and some of it was just flat out “WOW!”

Pornucopia is a behind the scenes look at the world of porn. A little bit closer of a look then I expected! They do interviews with the actual actors and get a bit of why they went into the business of porn. One young lady had been busted for trying to smuggle a 100 lbs. of pot across the Mexican border with the disclaimer of “I was just trying to pay my rent!” ~Snort~ Yeah right! Then someone introduced her to porn and the idea of screwing for money, and she got all happy with that thought. Why not do something you like to do and get paid for it at the same time. She was a very perky California blonde, who specialized in making the right noises at the right time. They also showed the interview process of how they choose the girls and what questions, pictures, and positions they use to cast the girls in the right movie. A group of girls standing there answering questions about if they do girl on girl, more then one guy, do you do anal? Flashes of the actual making of the movie which was making the b/f very happy until it included a flash of a gay movie. Lol, it withered pretty damn fast at that point.

I’m enjoying these shows greatly, not just for the educational factor, but also because I enjoy human sexuality and the mental reasoning behind it. Not so much that I get into watching porn, but these shows offer a little bit more in the way of personal choices and what drives them to do certain things. A few years ago, I was of the opinion people got into porn because they were trying to break into acting or they were misguided or they got tricked into it. It’s been fascinating to discover everyone’s real reason behind porn, being a prostitute, being willing to wear a floppy dildo on stage and have your husband suck on it, lol. These people are incredibly clear about their choices and why they do it, and it’s refreshing to watch these shows to discover not only the entertainment, but also finding that freedom to make those choices.

Off to watch the Bindlestiff Family Cirkus some more.

Every generation thinks they invented sex, and every generation is appalled when they realize their parents had sex. Especially if they’ve had dirty, nasty, kinky sex. This is the lead in because a friend of mine showed me a picture of this guy from Russia, who’s a porn star, and apparently has the biggest cock in the the world.

*WARNING* DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK UNLESS YOU MEAN TO LOOK!

Mukhtar Safarov

I was so thoroughly shocked by his size, I showed my mom the picture, and made a comment about how I didn’t even know how it was possible for that to be used.

To which she smirked and replied ” Anythings possible if he knows how to get you lubricated.”

To which I stuck my fingers in my ears and started singing “NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA.”

I mean seriously Mom! Some things you just don’t have to share.

The funny part of that is the fact that I can’t even tell you how many times I busted her having sex. The first time was actually after interrupted sex. She has a trick shoulder that randomly dislocates when ever it feels the urge, and apparently they had done something or the other that sent it out. So I wake up in the middle of the night to this weird noise, and being a ballsy 7 year old, I wandered out to investigate. I discovered my mother being hung upside down by her boyfriend, both of them naked, while she was trying to use gravity to help put her shoulder in. Didn’t work, so we all threw clothes on, and made a midnight run to the ER. Needless to say, I wasn’t able to ask questions at the time (Mom, why were you guys naked?), but after a while, my mother was more then happy to explain what was going on.

Sounds a little shocking to explain that to a 7 year old, right? My mom had and has the attitude that the more fully explained everything is, the more you know, the better off you do in life.

I follow that philosophy to a degree, but I waited a little bit longer, and have tried to explain things a little slower. I know I’ve failed when I get up the next morning to have my 13 year old daughter tell “My God Mom! I thought you were dying in there and then I realized your door was locked and that meant you having SEX! Do you know how disgusting that is?” LOL!

I try to tell her that us having a healthy sex life is a good thing, but I get the same response from her, that I still give my mom.

“NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA”

The interesting part is the fact that I can talk honestly and realistically about sex with my mom. I just can’t talk to her about her having sex. And I’d rather not talk to her about my sex life. When either subject comes up, I turn into the 13 year old sitting in Sex Ed., stammering, turning red, and looking any where but at her. Yet, I can go hang out with my friends, discuss size, if they know how to use, positions, and whether we’re getting that satisfaction. But not with my mom.