Poetry, Art, Life

14 years ago, I gave birth to a new life.

14 years ago, I laid there tired, exhausted, panting. Waiting for a cry to break the silence of the room.

14 years ago, I watched a nurse panic, grab a towel, and frantically scrub at something I couldn’t see.

14 years ago, I felt a fear I didn’t know was possible, felt a cry rip through my soul until, finally, yours came out instead.

14 years ago, you were born and I hadn’t realized how much love I already felt until I thought you could be taken away. How many hours before you came out? A lot, I can tell you that. Each pain was tearing me in half, and I only wanted you out to make it stop, but then you arrived and nothing could stem the pain and fear until you let know you were with me.

14 years ago, I sat in the PICU and held your hand, counted every breath you took, watched your tiny heart beat from within a tiny chest and felt the tears in my eyes as they proclaimed you well enough to go home.

14 years ago, I slept with you on my chest every night to make sure you kept breathing, felt every twitch you made, and woke with a smile because you were there with me.

14 years ago, I didn’t know it was possible to turn your life over to a being without complaint, living for your smiles, your tears, the way my heart filled to bursting whe you first raised your arms to me and said “Mama”.

14 years ago, I didn’t know the pride I would feel, watching you take your first steps, fearing you would fall, only to be able to come to your rescue when you did, twirl you around in the air, and feel the joy in being able to save you.

14 years ago, I didn’t know the worry and fear I feel now as I try to help you in every way now. But neither did I know the pride and joy I have felt watching you become a beautiful young lady.

14 years ago, I didn’t know that being your mother was the first step in finding the satisfaction in life, the courage to make the changes I needed to, the choices that slowly led to us having a richer, fuller life.

14 years ago, I discovered joy, and having you has brought that joy in my life everyday. When you’re sleeping and I can look on your peaceful face; when your awake and your face lights up; the way your face falls when you are sad. Even when we’re butting heads, my heart is full to bursting with the joy I find in you.

14 years ago, I lived my life.

14 years ago, I discovered what living life is about.

14 years, I have lived everyday because I had you.

Hollow, I feel hollow
Not empty but cored out
Why can’t I find the faith in others
Much less the faith in myself
I want more then what I have,
I want more then what I will get
Time to turn another corner
Time to turn a new bend
My life has gone a the wrong direction
I’ve lost the grip I hoped to have
To something new I look for now,
Something of self I hope to have
Hollowness has become me,
And embrace it I cannot
I will find a new filling
To become what I have lost

My beloved cat, shortly before his death. He couldn’t stand to have live plants around, unless he was given free rein to eat them. By the time he was done, these flowers were nothing more then forgotten stalks.

Cujo

The writing is in my heart
but not always in my hand
the words are in my head
but rarely let loose to flow
when things get out of control
I retreat and leave it behind
but where does one go
when you need to unload?
There are so many things
that happen in this life,
so many thoughts are created
by the life one left behind.
I have yet to live in a way
that befits my soul
and yet when it comes down
to a life that I could leave,
I find no where to go.
There is a time and a place for everything,
a pebble of possibilities to roll
on a mountain top they sit,
but in an avalanche that can’t let go.

Sometimes I have a hard time telling the truth. Actually I think it’s more of a problem saying it. For four very long years I hardly ever told the truth. It was the only way to keep peace in our house. I think the biggest lie I ever told was “I love you.” I did, but not in the way he wanted me to. The rest of it was little lies, shadings of the truth if you will. “Yes, of course I’m happy with you, yes we have a good marriage” kind of lies. Continue reading “To Tell The Truth”