Now, a little more then 2 years after my marriage ended, I’ve found it physically hurts me to not tell the truth. My throat closes up and the muscles start to hurt, and I find myself wanting to go to the woods and just scream my bloody head off. I think I lived it for so long that I want everything to be as real as possible. No falseness, no hiding, no being nice. So I just don’t say anything. And my throat still hurts.

The hardest thing to say is I love you. It’s easy to say to my kids, and have them say it to me. It’s like the meaning of life when we say it to each other. “I love you” is such a simple little phrase that can just roll off your tongue in a heartbeat even when you don’t mean it to. But to say it to another person? That’s hard to even think about without my whole body locking tight with tension. Now I don’t want to say it unless I mean it with everything in me, and yet when I do it feels like I’m saying “here is my heart, I’m open to you, and you have the power in your hand to hurt me terribly.” I know on a certain emotional level that it also gives the power to heal and to make me feel like the most cherished person on the planet, and yet I find myself waiting for the pendulum to swing the other way.

Isn’t love supposed to hurt? Doesn’t that seem to be the lesson? Maybe.
Set deep within my brain is a tiny kernel of self, locked away, in case it has to come out and save me from myself again. Except this time I don’t know if it can.

But more then all that I want someone to love me for who I am, not the image they want to build me into or think I should fit in. Why can’t I throw myself at the world in all my screwed up glory, and have someone say “Yes, I love you, even when you have to jump up and down and scream at the sky.” It’s like that special part of who we are that makes us so different form everyone else, is the one part that sets everyone back and makes them look at us askance. What is wrong with us, that we can’t find the one person who completes the lost part and wants for all that we are.

~written several years ago when I found myself afraid to say I love you, so I wrote this out and left it for him to find so he could understand.~

She stood leaning against the balcony and her hair spilled over the edge. An animated talker, her hands waving back and forth till he could almost imagine what she was talking about. Someone called out from the dance floor and she turned, and as her face came into full view, his breath caught in his throat. Not a classic beauty, but a beauty to be sure, her face full of laughter and animation. She waved to someone below and then turned to slide down the stairs, easing her way through the crowd effortlessly. A man grabbed her arm and tried to stop her, but she brushed him off with an easy laugh. “Another time perhaps.” carried over the crowd’s noise, said with enough firmness that he stepped back and let her by.

He could feel warning bells going off in his head, both out of fear of moving to fast and getting brushed off like the first man or frightening her and having her bolt. She was so close, her scent was carried to him, and he took a deep breath to memorize it. She came to the bottom of the stairs and as she turned to go around the corner, she collided with his chest. Laughing, she put her hands on his chest and raised her face to apologize. Then she made eye contact, and he felt all of the air rush out of her. “Wow” She whispered, “I didn’t think they were made like that.” She could feel his chest moving beneath her hands and the warmth radiating through his shirt was making her feel…….decidedly odd.

He smiled; a slow smile that made her toes curl, and when he spoke, her stomach joined the club.

“I’ve been watching you.”

“Like a stalker?”

He chuckled, and she felt the vibration through her hands, her fingers curling slightly into him. “Not like a stalker.” He clarified, “More like seeing something so fascinating, you can’t take your eyes away.” He smiled again, “I’m fascinated.”

“Like a snake charmer then.” A gleam was in her eye, and as it traveled down to her mouth to raise the corners, it was his turn to catch his breath. He raised his hands to her shoulders and ran them lightly down her arms. She shivered slightly, and then looked back at him. The gleam was still there, but the flavor of it was changing, becoming darker.

“Are you here with someone? No?”

He blinked slightly, “Um.”

Laughter bubbling up “I thought you would be a little more articulate then that. Sorry, I’m probably more blunt then most people like.”

“You took me by surprise.” He admitted.

“Are you feeling what I am? There was no hesitation in her gaze, only a crystal clear gaze that went through his core.

“If you mean, do I feel like I’ve been hit by lightening, then yes.” He admitted with that easy smile again. He leaned into her and rested his forward on hers. “And….”

“Yes?”

He chuckled, “I can’t remember what I was going to say now.”

“Well, I’m fairly certain that answers my question.”

He raised his face and murmured against her hair “This much heat should get you arrested for being in public.”

She shivered in response. God, if his voice could do that, what would his hands be like. Or his tongue for that matter. She turned slowly, allowing her body to brush against his, little by little, and watched slanting green eyes almost glow in response.

“I’m game if you are, but why don’t we try the dance floor first?” Her voice was low and husky, betraying how her body was reacting to his.

He stepped up behind her, putting his hands on her waist, brushing her hair with his mouth again.

“My lady snake charmer, may I have this dance?”

She smothered a chuckle, feeling his answering grin. Grabbing one of his hands, she started pulling him towards the center of the floor.

“I thought you would never ask.”