posted by TGM on Jul 2
And for me, that stream has been heavily interrupted by boulders lately. Instead of singing it’s way down the mountain, it’s encountered a storm and is running every which way to avoid the debris in it’s way. And directly relates to everything within my brain.
For awhile, it seemed my life spiraled out of my control, I had to learn to give up that control, and then had to learn how to live with it/out it in new boundaries. Before, I always had an easy time expressing myself through the writing, but this last couple of years have thrown some major roadblocks in my mental way. It isn’t always easy to talk about how much you dislike what’s happening or how miserable you are or even how good you are at keeping things to yourself as you struggle to work through the pieces.
Few people are blessed physically and emotionally to become that kinda of person who is a rock solid oak, rooted strong in the soil, and growing tall to to touch the sun. Most of us are the little oak seedlings who sit below it, trying to get to the little rays of light that escape the larger tree’s shadow. Some of us do well, regardless of the shadows, and some fail miserably, whining about how horrible life is and how it all isn’t fair.
I’ve never wanted to be a whiner. I’ve never wanted to be known as “Poor her, she has it so rough.” And yet sometimes, I can feel that need to lay down and whine and beg someone else to take care of things for me. The old adage ~Life is to short~ has always been true, and I wanted to put everything I had into living everyday as if it were my last and reaching for every bit of enjoyment I could find.
In my life I’ve been injured a few times, a couple of them severely, and had to slow down for a while as my body healed before charging full tilt back into the ring. As time has marched on, I’ve learned new lessons in pacing myself, and enjoying each moment as it comes instead of looking for it. And each morning, I would wake up in my self, and maybe not be to happy with it, but at the same time, be OK with what I had.
When I was hit with AVN, I had a new world opened to my eyes. And it was a strange one. I had to relearn this body I had, I had to relearn how to do so many things I had taken for granted, relearn to walk, learn I couldn’t run, adjust to the fact that I was slower in a way that couldn’t be forced past. I had to allow others to help me, I swallowed my pride and let them pick me up, I accepted that my body wasn’t capable anymore. And as time marches on, I’ve learned to look below my own height and see the things I’ve never noticed before because the weren’t at the level of my head. Spending time in a chair made me notice how they have the cool little gadgets at the store on the bottom shelves. I was more at the level of flowers and not having to bend down to smell them. And I was more at the height of my little girls, where they could easily reach in for a kiss.
Most of all, I’ve opened my eyes and learned. Learned things I never would have without my body being brought down. Learned things I honestly didn’t know I was capable of. And discovered a real respect for those who battle anything that interferes with the physical side of life as we know it. Life gives us everything we could possibly ever ask for, but it does it in it’s own way, with no regard for how we think it should be. Not understanding that what it gives, it can take away, and what you don’t need is something you won’t always get, and sometimes you do get lemons – and you’re out of sugar and the lemonade tastes like shit. And yet, there are those special little moments that make you remember it isn’t all bad, and the little moments where you feel it is worth it, no matter how hard it seems outside those points.
I don’t know what’s in store down the road, I don’t know how well my physical side is going to do. But I am damn sure that even when I have to break for a bit, I’m going to get back up and try again. And accept help for what I can’t do. And remember I’m not the only one. And keep on writing, even if I never show the rest of the world, I’m going to keep on writing and let me flow through me.








